Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Rain and a cold

I have been in bed all day with a miserable cold that came on quickly with a sore throat. I meant to post some photos and thoughts but just couldn't handle it. Brendan is keeping me company and Silas has a cool new sleepy spot on top of a high bookshelf with a fleece blanket. He gets there by going up a cat tree and across a beam. We planned it that way, since he needs a secure spot to hideaway in. Usually it's a drawer in the sunroom.
Thank you for all your emails.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are sick - no doubt a stress-based loss of immunity.

I've just read through all of your archives. You were obviously charmed with Fergus from the moment you met him. The details of your shock and grief mirrored how I felt last year - losing a beloved older cat, and then losing a tiny kitten soon after, only 12 days after we'd taken him home.

I felt shaken in my belief in everything. Part of me didn't see how I could live in a world that dealt out that kind of pain. I know you've lost before, but I sense that your relationship with Fergus was something different, and so special. He chose you. He was able to live his life with exactly who he wanted to live it - you, and you even brought him a playmate when he wanted that! You became a mommy with him. How you feel about him will never go away, but it will become a comfort to you, because you did all you could do, and then some.
~ tammara

Zuleme said...

Yes, it must be stress related because I haven't been sick for ages. And, we live in an area that longs for snow in winter and it is now 50 degrees out and pouring and is a mess. Olof says it's a winter to forget. Our long driveway is a skating rink.

I do feel shaken in my beliefs. And I really wonder why this world has so much suffering. It seems so horribly cruel that we are all sooner or later, parted from those we love. And I think of all the little animals coming hopeful into the world and then getting pain. Fergus was a joyful creature and I feel so bad that I wasn't there at the end and he wouldn't have understood why I was leaving him in the hospital. He just wanted to come home. And he was scared to be left there. That hurts me the most and I don't see why the world has to be like that.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are saying. I truly believe that though he may have been confused in that moment of which you speak, his spirit came to you just after. I believe he knows how you grieve, knows how you loved him, is grateful and happy that you did. If you'd have brought him home - you would have forever thought that you should have left him. It is so difficult not to focus on that moment, but try to focus on the loving times you had.

Have you seen the children's book called "Cat Heaven" (Cynthia Rylant)? It brought me peace like nothing else could - the message is simple, and just what I needed. I think I will blog about it, in fact, because it was so helpful for me. I wish I could just send you my copy.
~ tammara

Zuleme said...

I wrote up my own version of Fergus Goes to Heaven. It's for all of us so I will post it as soon as I do some rewrites.
The great thing about Fergus's life is how well we did get to live it. We were always together and he got to be a real cat too, with going out in the woods on his own and hunting. He was happy. I remember one day, before I would let him out on his own I came into the house and he was in his chair and he was so sad that he couldn't go out on his own. That's when I knew I would have to do it. So I started letting him run around the yard on his own and he was so happy, he let us know just how happy he was. He'd run up to Olof and Olof would say for him " Olof, I got my license!" I worried about him being out but it made him able to have his own cat life in addition to the indoor life with us. He loved the outside so much.

I had lost my cat companion of fourteen years on July 9th of 2004 and I was really missing him. Just sad in general. On November 4m my husband said I had better go and get a kitten. We have Brendan but I needed my own special cat. The minute I got Fergus I felt happy and scared because I knew I really loved him and he had picked me out. My mother in law said I looked ten years younger when we showed up with Fergus in a little tiny basket. He endeared himself right away to them too.

Every day, he made me happy. I would come in the house and as soon as I saw he was in his chair I felt content. We all loved him.It is really hard to think about getting another at this time, I put so much into Ferg and to do those things again I think would make me sad. I have Silas, who is our quiet gentleman and he is happy to have more attention. He doesn't have Fergus's outgoing personality but he is a sweet guy. He might as well get some more attention now, he's a little lost since Ferg was the games leader but he is happy.

I have felt him on the bed twice. Once next to me and once on my foot. There is a lightweight step which is his, Brendan is slow and careful and Silas is heavy. Also I have started seeing him in my dreams. We had an extraordinary understanding. He was more like a person than a pet. You would have loved him, he loved meeting people.

I'll write some more tomorrow.
Thank you

=^..^= said...

Please take comfort in knowing that Fergus was very happy and very loved with you.

~5-Cat Style

Anonymous said...

What a great mom you were! Believe it or not, you have helped me with the thing I've been afraid of lately - letting my 16-yr-old get his driver's license. He wants to be independent just like Fergus, and I guess it is time for me to let him do it. Thank you so much. I look forward to Fergus Goes to Heaven (though I'm quite sure he's hanging around you for a bit, now and then). ~ tammara