Monday, January 16, 2006

Attachment and Loss

I have to admit I am feeling pretty raw this morning. I woke up at 3:30, put more logs on the stove and couldn't get back to sleep. The wind was howling around the house and the moon was bright. The weather is sharp and bitter right now and I am planning on throwing myself into getting my writing organized for a workshop in March. We have also decided to volunteer to help the local humane society with their TV show and web site. For both of us, keeping busy helps. We are also involved in building a children's museum.

Friday and Saturday the rain poured down as if the heavens were crying and then the cold wind came and began to roar. We became a skating rink. The weather matched my mood. I am heartbroken to see the last traces of Ferg's little paws being blown away in the yard.

I want to say thank you for every email I have been getting and for the understanding I have received from my family, cat lovers all. When your heart has been captured by a very special feline soul it is blasted to pieces at their loss. Every note I gets helps. Just knowing that others understand.

The most extraordinary thing about Fergus is that he was a joyful being. He greeted the day with joy and excitement. He loved banging in and out the cat door for the allotted hours. He loved going out the window and down the cat stairs. He loved cuddling in the drawer with Silas, he loved to race up the stairs and fling himself at the second tier of the cat tree, catch it and do his "do not feed after midnight" pose. He loved sitting on my lap at night and when he snuggled up to my legs to sleep he pushed himself in as close as he could get. He loved the back yard, he loved the ponds, he loved the woods. The world was a wonderful place for him, full of love and interesting things to do. As our vet said, on seeing him the next to last time , "he is full of himself." Yes of course he was, he was a beautiful boy and he knew it. Our special name for him, "petite garcon."

I will be writing more about him. I have one story which is just a wishful feel better story for all of us and I am going to do a complete Fergus story with more of the great photos I have. My sister wants me to post a complete photo page so I will be working on that too. Thank you for all your support.


ruth said...

I have just read all your posts about your beloved fergus. I am absolutely raw with the emptiness you must feel.

I have heard many stories about cats coming briefly into this world with a message or a lesson - primarily to open hearts. One friend was so shocked at her bereavement that the love they had for their little wild cat resolved their seemingly unresolvable child-bearing issues as a couple. They realised two simply wasn't enough. Now they have a baby girl.

If poskie ever goes (and we live by a road), since we cannot have children, I know he will have challenged me to love more unconditionally than I would otherwise ever have known how.

I'll stand by the candle for Fergus and may his soul live on always in your hearts.

Edsel/The Pooch said...

we are so sorry for your great loss. your heart will heal, and he is at peace, knowing that you loved him greatly.

Eponine's Cowboy said...

What a beautiful guy. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew the right words to say right now. My heart broke with my own loss just a few weeks ago and I pray for a night that I don't feel anxiety wishing my little monster wasn't gone. Somehow, I know she'd want me to be strong. I'm certain Fergus wills you strength too.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Max said...

I'm looking forward to hearing more about Fergus and seeing his pctures. He looks so sweet and cuddly, and reminds me so much of my kitty Dusty, who's been gone for almost 5 years now.
~ Max's "Woman"

Oreo said...

I'm so sorry for you. I don't even WANT to imagine what you're going through. You're in my purrayers.

=^..^= said...

When you broke the news of Fergus' passing, I felt your loss. But with each post about Fergus, I've also felt your love for him, your joy and I am delighted to be able to share in your memories of little Fergus.

Thank you for the stories and for letting us get to know Fergus as intimately as you do.

~5-Cat Style