Friends

There are also photos of Ferg telling Silas to get out of his tree so this one may be the prelude to a bossy wap. But still...

It's been very, very cold up here. Normal, in fact. Last night Brendan slept in a cozy polar fleece nest between the two of us and Silas came for an under the blankets cuddle around six. Then he wanted to go out and was quite vocal about it. He says things like Errph? Waap? Mior? It was about ten degrees and windy so I didn't let him out right away. Then we went down stairs and I opened the kitty door. He was out for about ten seconds.

Yesterday morning both of them wanted out even though it was cold and I couldn't see why they were so anxious. Then, as I was getting some kindling on our back porch I spied a tiger striped rear end and two white paws making a beeline from under the porch. There's a space there we call the Clubhouse because Fergus and Silas spent hours under there last summer chasing mice. The vanishing tiger butt is our neighbor's barn cat, Jakey.

Then this morning it hit me.

I wonder if Silas thinks Jakey is Fergus. And if so, is he wondering what happened to his buddy and why he is suddenly living outside and not wanting to play?

Oh yikes.

It's been about six weeks since we lost Ferg. The only distance I have achieved is a sort of film over the actual events of the day. But I can't really think about it for too long so I try to keep wrapped up in work. That distracts me. But when you have had something bad happen that there is no way to understand, no way to make better, there is really nothing you can do but go on living and hope time will soften things. There is no "getting over it" there is only living with it.

We were driving back from down south yesterday. I was exhausted from not sleeping well (I always do that when I have someplace I have to be at early the next day, I have an internal alarm clock but it means waking at midnight, 2 and 4 and not going back to sleep after 4 AM) so I fell soundly asleep while Olof drove. And I had a wonderful dream.

I dreamed that I went down to our shelter and Roz had brought back a mother and a kitten from Louisiana. I looked at the kitten and it was Fergus. He looked at me and said "Peep! Peep! Peep! I picked him up and he kissed my face and we were so happy to be together.

The thing is, I have never been so close to an animal as I was with Fergus. Nothing bothered me when I had him, crappy weather, too much housework, the many little annoyances and problems of being human. I would sit with him and feel complete and content. He was special. So even though all cats are wonderful, all I really want is Fergus.

Losing someone you love really shakes up your world view, especially if you've been lulled into thinking you were going to be allowed to be perfectly happy for a while. What I don't know is whether two spirits who loved each other so much are ever allowed to meet up again. Wish I did.